I was addicted to pregnancy. the way some people need to buy or lease a new car every year. I was addicted in the same way that i was obsessed with moving. of starting over. I had four pregnancies between the ages of 18-23. each one a new start for me.
Each one a way for me to redeem myself. i was a failure as a mother, as an adult. so in my childish delusion i thought I would start with a new slate. That somehow the baby would sanctify me, and that holiness would drip on to the other kids and even myself. It seems so crazy now. But now I am an almost thirty-five year old woman. Newly married to a wonderful, successful husband. Surrounded by my own created family of healthy adults. Then i was a scared kid with no one. I mean no one. the people i was drawn to and that were drawn to me were just a pool of mental defects, losers if you will. We were all on the Titanic and trying to hold on to each other to prevent a drowning, all the while refusing to let go of our luggage. Our baggage. That word is the understatement of the century.
I heard a quote recently that human being are more obsessed with rationalizing their choices, then food, love, or even sex. That rang true. Isn't that what baggage is? An awful assortment of our rationalizations? An assortment we carry around the way rappers do their heavy jewelry. We rehearse them to death until years and years later we can still verbatim pull them out and say "well see this is why this happened. "
maybe that is why this blog will exist. for no other reason, but for me to rationalize my life half lived. I now am 50% done with living, if i reach the average lifespan for a healthy Caucasian woman. It has only been in the last year that i have chosen sanity over drama.
On the surface one may disagree with me. After all read my first sentence and then look at my swollen body and I am indeed seven months pregnant with my fifth child. Crazy? what is my rationalization. Simple the truth. A new start with my new husband. I didn't say all things have changed what i think is different is I have earned the right to make that decision. Would others disagree?
Look around. How many people are happy for anyone. How many people spend 90% of their time ignoring their own issues or their loved ones issues to obsess over someone else's? There is a good line in the Bible that says "worry about the beam in your own eye, before you worry about the splinter in another's" I have had people in my life impaled with beams, choking on them while they chase me around with tweezers wanting to dig into my splinters. Sad part is. Sure they were right on some things. but did they ever want me to heal? Hell no. Once i got better what in the world would they do with themselves. look in the mirror? that isn't an option.
Seinfeld said "only five percent of the population was dateable." I could counter only five percent of the population was able to self reflect at all. the rest of us just bump through life like those blind tarantulas that hope they eventually bump into a like minded mate. Problem is the mate is also half blind and just bumping through life.
So what is this blog about? Ironically and maybe pathetically SELF LOVE. At the end of the day I have to bump through this life. At this time. With the choices i have made. What i can do is choose to learn from my mistakes. to surround myself with goodness and grace and hope some rubs off on me. to acknowledge my mistakes but not be owned by them. This blog is about living the second half of my life mentally sober, to work the steps of self evolution. to not drown in my stagnant pool. Unfortunetly i have had to push some of my fellow man off to swim for a life boat. It has been the hardest journey of my life, but i had and have five children to save. to teach to swim.
So here I am paddling away.
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